In an effort to win back his ex-wife, a Georgia man devised a plan to kidnap her and then come to her rescue. He broke into her house wearing a mask, zip-tied her hands, assaulted her, and placed a pillowcase over her head. He went home to change his clothes and came back and called the police. His laptop history revealed that he searched for the topic “how to change the sound of your voice” so he is in jail now.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! As police officers were trying to end a standoff with an armed teenager on the rooftop of a house in Dunedin, Fla., a naked, intoxicated woman drove a golf cart into the crime scene, passing by several marked sheriff’s vehicles and ignoring a deputy’s commands to leave.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT’S NOT REGISTERED, OFFICER? A man whose driver’s license had been revoked and whose car did not have a valid registration thought he could overcome these problems by putting a handwritten license plate on his vehicle. The cops pulled him over near Parowan, Utah, and found that the guy was high on methamphetamine, and had more than 7 pounds of it in the car.

THAT PLACE HAS SUCH GOOD MEMORIES: A few hours after getting married, a 25-year-old man, who “appeared as if he were under the influence of an unknown substance,” drove the wrong way on a one-way street in Vero Beach, Fla., and struck a vehicle traveling in the opposite direction. He will be arraigned at the same courthouse where he had married his 20-year-old bride earlier in the day.

HEY, I PAY YOUR SALARIES! A woman called the police emergency number in Wales because she found a spider on her bed and she wanted officers to come to remove it for her. They did not.

YOU CALL THAT EVIDENCE!? A man falsely claimed that a Tesla backed into him in a gas station parking lot in Slidell, La., and then drove off. But a recording of the incident, filmed with the vehicle’s rear camera, showed that the guy just fell down without being struck by the car.

I SEE HIM, SARGE, HE’S HEADED THIS WAY: A man robbed a bank in downtown Quincy, Ill., and fled the scene on an electric bicycle, but headed in the direction of the police station which is a block away. An officer, who had been given a description of the suspect, spotted him and arrested him for aggravated robbery.

OK, BUT PROMISE YOU WON’T ARREST ME: The Police Department in Fullerton, Calif., posted a “lost and found” notice on social media after a plastic bag full of meth and an accompanying pipe were discovered on a golf cart at a local course. “If you are the owner,” the statement said, “please contact us as we’re sure you’re upset.” There has been no response so far.

OH, WAS I SUPPOSED TO BRING IT BACK? A woman took a 2018 Honda Accord out for a test drive from a car dealership in Clearwater, Fla., and never returned. Authorities recovered the vehicle a few days later, and arrested her.